Every couple experiences conflict and sometimes talking about it can be incredibly daunting. That’s why we have created a list of 15 conversation starters for difficult topics to help get you started. These questions were created using core principles from the Gottman’s, Emotionally Focused Therapy, and Nonviolent communication. This means communicating in healthy ways to your partner, by coming from a place of love and compassion, while also getting your point across and maintaining your boundaries.
These conversation starters revolve around common conflicts and issues in many couples’ everyday lives. However, not every prompt will be relevant to your situation, and it’s possible that we didn’t address your particular concern. So, feel free to tailor these conversation starters for you and your partner.
Just a few rules: try to avoid “winning” the conversation or bringing up unrelated topics if you feel defensive, this can derail the actual discussion at hand and lead to hurt for both you and your partner. The important part is that you go to your partner with these questions in a calm headspace, an open-mind, and with the goal of understanding and solving the problem with your partner.
Childcare & Parenting
When you feel you’re taking an unfair share of the parenting tasks, disagree about disciplinary methods, or feel disconnected as a couple while parenting.
- "I know we both want the best for our kids, but I sometimes feel overwhelmed with parenting responsibilities. Can we talk about how we share the load and support each other better?"
- "We have different approaches to discipline, and I want to find a way that feels right for both of us. Can we explore what’s most important to each of us when it comes to parenting?"
- "I know we’re both trying to do our best as parents, but sometimes I feel like we’re not always on the same team. What’s something we can do to help us feel more united in parenting?"
Work, Stress & Household Responsibilities
When you feel stress bubbling up and you don’t want to take it out on each other, you feel you’ve been taking on too many tasks at home, your partner isn’t contributing as much as you’d like, or when you feel something needs to change in your household dynamic to be more equitable for the both of you.
- "I’ve been feeling really stressed with work lately, but I don’t want it to come between us. Can we talk about ways we can support each other when emotions are high after work?"
- "Sometimes I feel like we have different expectations about household responsibilities. For example, [insert relevant problem here] ... Can we find a time to check in and make sure we both feel things are fair?"
- "Lately, I’ve been feeling like I don’t have as much energy for us because of everything on my plate. Do you ever feel that way? How can we support each other when life gets overwhelming?"
Sex & Physical Intimacy
When you’ve noticed a change in your sexual relationship, when your expectations related to sex haven’t been met lately, or when you want to discuss your sex life, but aren’t sure how to start the conversation
- "I’ve been feeling a little disconnected in our intimacy lately. I love being close to you and want to make this a priority. Can we talk about what we both need to feel more connected?"
- "I want to make sure we’re both feeling satisfied in our sex life. What are some things that make you feel desired?"
- "I love our intimacy, but I sometimes worry we don’t talk about it enough. How have you been feeling about our physical connection lately? Is there anything you’d like to explore together?"
Finances & Money Management
When you’ve never had an in-depth conversation about finances with your partner, when you and your partner have different perspectives on finances, or when you feel you haven’t been communicating about finances enough with your partner and notice it might be causing problems.
- "Money can be a stressful topic, and I want to make sure we’re on the same page about our finances. Can we check in on what’s been working and what’s not?"
- "I know we were raised with different attitudes about money, and I want to understand your perspective more. What did money mean in your family growing up?"
- "I sometimes feel anxious about money, and I don’t want that to create tension between us. Can we set aside time to talk about our financial goals and make sure we’re both comfortable with our plans?"
Emotional & Relationship Needs
When you notice you shut down during tense discussions, but want to communicate effectively with your partner, when you feel disconnected from your partner because of external factors (work, kids etc), or when you and your partner have different emotional needs that aren’t being fulfilled
- "I sometimes struggle to express my feelings in the moment, but I really want you to know what’s going on with me. Could we create a way to check in with each other emotionally?"
- "I know we’re both busy, but I don’t want us to lose our closeness. Can we talk about ways we can create more quality time together?"’
- "I know we both express love in different ways, and I want to make sure I’m showing you love in the way that means the most to you. What’s one thing I can do that makes you feel really loved and appreciated?"
Remember, these prompts are just a starting point. Use these conversation starters to start a routine of checking in on your partner with love and respect. Vulnerability and a sincere attempt to understand and work with your partner can go a long way. If you are interested in working on your relationships, explore getting support from a counsellor in your local area, book in with one of the counsellors here at Wholetherapy, or consider attending couples therapy.
References
Lisitsa, E. (2024, June 25). Dr. Gottman’s 3 skills (and 1 rule!) for intimate conversation. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/dr-gottmans-3-skills-and-1-rule-for-intimate-conversation/
Meunier, V. (2024, May 23). Gottman method and emotionally focused therapy. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/integrate-gottman-method-couples-therapy/
The Center for Nonviolent Communication. (n.d.). Nonviolent communication. CNVC.org. Retrieved March 18, 2025, from https://www.cnvc.org
Please note that these suggestions do not apply in abusive situations. If you have concerns for your emotional or physical safety, please seek individual support from a trained professional or reach out for help from some of the resources listed below.
If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.
Nova Scotia Domestic Violence Resource Centre: https://women.novascotia.ca/domestic-violence-resource-centre
Avalon Centre: https://avaloncentre.ca/ or call (902) 422-4240
Shelter Nova Scotia: https://www.shelternovascotia.com/ or 211 Nova Scotia call 2-1-1
Shelter for women and children in Halifax: https://www.bryonyhouse.ca or call (902) 422-7650
Other contacts across Canada: https://endingviolencecanada.org/sexual-assault-centres-crisis-lines-and-support-services/
