Falling in love happens through bonding experiences shared with someone who seems to “get us.” The bond deepens with focused attention and building trust as you get to know each other over time with communication and connection. Typically, the goal is to share aspects of your life with the person of your choosing and to feel comfortable and safe with your partner at your side. Then, life happens. Before you realize it, you and your partner are coordinating logistics and responsibilities like children, pets, and what to have for supper every day.
The world has been navigating these daily tasks while also living in a time of unprecedented challenges from pandemic lockdowns to the rising cost of living (groceries, gas, interest rates, rent). If your relationship has become another challenge on the list, you are not alone. Sue Johnson, a leader, educator, and clinical psychologist who specialized in emotions and attachment science in couples and individual therapy, teaches that the “felt sense” of connection to our special people is a primary need for humans. These attachment figures allow our nervous systems to calm, and help create a base of comfort, reassurance, and balance.
When our home base gets a little shaky, we go back to basics: Curiosity, Communication, and Connection.
1. Practice Curiosity: Pause and focus on being curious about your partner’s experiences and feelings. When it feels like you’re on different pages, slow down and engage with curiosity. Dr. Daniel Hughes advocates for this approach, describing curiosity as “an active non-judgmental openness to, and interest in, the experience of the other.” This method fosters compassion, empathy, and a safe, respectful relationship environment.
2. Enhance Communication: Use self-regulation tools like deep breathing to help pause and reflect during discussions. Implement I-Statements to communicate your feelings, needs, and boundaries without placing blame. For example, saying “I feel lonely when you go to bed early because I can finally focus on us after the kids go to bed. What I need is some time to connect with you,” clearly expresses personal feelings and needs without accusation.
3. Cultivate Connection: Integrate playfulness and meaningful activities into your daily routine to strengthen bonds. Simple actions like playing music while cooking or enjoying activities in nature together can significantly enhance your connection. These shared moments can provide relief from routine pressures and rekindle joy in your relationship.
Remember, our relationships are as complex and individual as each of us. There is no quick fix, but there is always hope that small changes can have a big impact on your relationship with your cherished and chosen partner. If you are interested in working on your relationships, explore getting support from a counsellor in your local area, book in with one of the counsellors here at Wholetherapy, or consider attending couples therapy group sessions.
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Please note that these suggestions do not apply in abusive situations. If you have concerns for your emotional or physical safety, please seek individual support from a trained professional or reach out for help from some of the resources listed below.
If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.
Nova Scotia Domestic Violence Resource Centre: https://women.novascotia.ca/domestic-violence-resource-centre
Avalon Centre: https://avaloncentre.ca/
or call (902) 422-4240
Shelter Nova Scotia: https://www.shelternovascotia.com/
or 211 Nova Scotia call 2-1-1
Shelter for women and children in Halifax: https://www.bryonyhouse.ca/
or call (902) 422-7650
Other contacts across Canada: https://endingviolencecanada.org/sexual-assault-centres-crisis-lines-and-support-services/
